1:50pm, December 14, 2012: "Hey--I can't remember where you're from in CT, but if you know anyone from Newton, I hope they're safe."
Right away, I knew there was another shooting.
My heart stopped and I held my breath as I tried to think of where Newton was on the Connecticut map. My voice shook as I called to my mom- "Do we know anyone from Newton?"
I hadn't heard the news yet. Hadn't been on any social networks or turned on the TV. We were busy celebrating with our friend the day before her wedding. I was able to breath again when my mom said that no, we didn't know anyone from Newton. I texted my friend back and asked her what happened. My mind could not have fathomed what she would soon reply.
A shooting. At an elementary school. 18 children (so far) and 6 adults dead.
As a future teacher, I know the importance of being okay for your students. A few weeks ago at the school I'm student teaching at, a student had a seizure. I was so scared, but I had to put on a happy face for my students so they weren't scared. I had to tell these 60+ students that everything was okay, distract them, and make sure they were safe while the other teachers took care of the student having a seizure.
Now multiply that times a million.
This morning as I was reading about everything, I read accounts of teachers playing games with their students as they hid in corners, trying to lighten to mood. Can you imagine? Games. As these adults are fearing for not only these children, but their own lives, they're playing games in order to keep the mood light and help the children from panicking. Other teachers smiled and told the children to pray as they locked them in closets, bathrooms, cabinets, anywhere to keep them safe. They put their 20+ students' lives ahead of their own.
They're heroes. Absolutely heroes.
Connecticut has always been a place of safety to me. It's where I grew up. It's where I, as an innocent child, would walk around my neighborhood without a fear in the world. We didn't even lock our doors most of the time we went out! I read one article that called it, "The Safest Place in America."
I remember when the shooting in the movie theater in Colorado happened, everyone would say, "No where is safe anymore." But an Elementary School? What is the world coming to?
My heart goes out to every family affected by yesterday's events. Every child who had to hear the gunshots and the screams, the neighbors who heard the sirens, the families who didn't know if their child was safe or not.
And to every mother and father who has one less child to hold tonight. It shouldn't have to happen like this. You should not have to outlive your own child. There are no reasons, no words that can make this any easier. You are in my prayers. May God bring you peace.
December 15, 2012
December 5, 2012
That One Time I Wrote a Poem?
It's 12:05pm and I'm still in my pajamas. The most productive thing I've done today was take off my sheets in attempt to put clean ones on...that happened about an hour ago and I'm currently sitting on a bare mattress. It's fine.
For some reason, I decided to get out all of my old journals and look through them. This is one of my favorite things to do. I have one journal in particular that I started around this time last year and ended on the first of August. It's my favorite. It's filled with the most dramatic, funny, silly, random things.
On June 26, 2012, I was feeling extra melodramatic... one of those days when your feelings get the best of you. I wrote this "poem" (I guess that's what it what be called) not thinking anyone would ever ever see it. But 6 months later, I'm sharing it with the entire internet because I love it. It's not especially well written or inspirational, but it's so real.
For some reason, I decided to get out all of my old journals and look through them. This is one of my favorite things to do. I have one journal in particular that I started around this time last year and ended on the first of August. It's my favorite. It's filled with the most dramatic, funny, silly, random things.
On June 26, 2012, I was feeling extra melodramatic... one of those days when your feelings get the best of you. I wrote this "poem" (I guess that's what it what be called) not thinking anyone would ever ever see it. But 6 months later, I'm sharing it with the entire internet because I love it. It's not especially well written or inspirational, but it's so real.
Don't want to be tied down.
Want to love.
I have my whole life to marriage!
I want to start now.
My expectations are too high.
He's got to be out there somewhere.
Be patient.
Get out there!
Be yourself.
Be better.
Love yourself.
Fix yourself.
Trust God.
Play God.
Want, desire.
Need, can't live without.
December 2, 2012
On My Mind
The other day, a close friend of mine told me that I'm "the best Christian she knows."
This was hard to swallow.
In one aspect, I wanted to jump for joy and give her a hug. Someone thinks I'm a good Christian! How's that for a compliment?!
But on the other side, am I? I sin daily, I make mistakes, I don't pray or journal or worship half as often as I should, I judge others and I hurt those who mean the most to me, I forget to tithe, and let's not even get started on my thoughts.
The friend who told me this is not a Christian. In the context of her comment, she had said something and asked me if I minded that she said that, (in "Christian Terms," she had used the Lord's name in vain). I simply told her that I didn't say that, but if she chose to, that was her decision.
You see, when it comes to my beliefs, I can only make decisions for myself. I actually have very strong opinions, but I only hold myself accountable for them. I try not to judge others for the decisions that they make, and hope I don't get judged for mine in return. That's the simplest I can put it.
I believe as Christians it's our job to love. Not "I love you, but..." Just love. We may not have the same beliefs, but I love you anyway. If you have a question, ask me. I will answer in the best way I can. I won't change my beliefs to fit your mold and I won't expect you to change yours.
But I will do my best to show the love of Jesus through my words and actions and hope that people will see something different in me. I pray that the Lord uses me to show people that He has a bigger plan for them. But when it all comes down to it, I pray that I love people to the best of my ability every day. Whether or not the world sees me as "a good Christian."
This was hard to swallow.
In one aspect, I wanted to jump for joy and give her a hug. Someone thinks I'm a good Christian! How's that for a compliment?!
But on the other side, am I? I sin daily, I make mistakes, I don't pray or journal or worship half as often as I should, I judge others and I hurt those who mean the most to me, I forget to tithe, and let's not even get started on my thoughts.
The friend who told me this is not a Christian. In the context of her comment, she had said something and asked me if I minded that she said that, (in "Christian Terms," she had used the Lord's name in vain). I simply told her that I didn't say that, but if she chose to, that was her decision.
You see, when it comes to my beliefs, I can only make decisions for myself. I actually have very strong opinions, but I only hold myself accountable for them. I try not to judge others for the decisions that they make, and hope I don't get judged for mine in return. That's the simplest I can put it.
I believe as Christians it's our job to love. Not "I love you, but..." Just love. We may not have the same beliefs, but I love you anyway. If you have a question, ask me. I will answer in the best way I can. I won't change my beliefs to fit your mold and I won't expect you to change yours.
But I will do my best to show the love of Jesus through my words and actions and hope that people will see something different in me. I pray that the Lord uses me to show people that He has a bigger plan for them. But when it all comes down to it, I pray that I love people to the best of my ability every day. Whether or not the world sees me as "a good Christian."
November 18, 2012
My Perfect Day
I was once challenged to create the perfect day. I don't remember what I said then, I think I took a walk, read a book, spent time by myself...it was a good perfect day that I had created.
But now I want to come up with a real Perfect Day. One that is realistic and would actually happen. So, here I go.
I would wake up on my own, without an alarm or an unconscious "Stop sleeping in- you have work to do!" I would open my blinds and let the sunshine in. I would smile and say out loud "This is the day that the Lord has made. I will rejoice and be glad in it!" I will pet my cat and give her a kiss.
Then I would walk to the kitchen and make sure she had food and water. Maybe even give her a treat, because it's a perfect day. Then I would make my breakfast- a bagel with cream cheese and coffee in my favorite mug.
I would sit down at the kitchen table with my breakfast and my journal. And I would write. I would write about what I'm thankful for. I would write about my future. I would write letters to my future husband, my future kids, people I miss, and people I love. I would write short stories and long poems. I would write until everything in me was written on paper and my tummy was full with coffee and bagel.
Then I would shower, do my hair and makeup, and put on a cute outfit. I would go somewhere beautiful. I would drive with my windows down and music loud. I'd drive until I found this beautiful place. And then I would take pictures. I'd take pictures until my heart was full and I felt like I had taken every picture that was worth being taken. Then I would find a pretty place to sit and I would sit and think about all of the beautiful things in my life.
Eventually I'd leave and head somewhere for lunch. I don't think I can quite decide where yet. But I would have a fabulous lunch and then I would head back home. I may stop at a bakery and grab a pastry or two for later. Or maybe a grocery store to get ingredients for making my own yummy treat.
Once I was home I would put on matching jammies. You know, the button down collared shirt and the matching pants. Then I would do a craft or two-or seven- to get out some of that creative energy that tends to build up in me. Eventually it would get dark and it would be that perfect time for dinner and a movie. I don't know what I'd have for dinner. Maybe pizza or mac-and-cheese. Maybe on this perfect day I happen to have a perfect boyfriend who happens to know how to cook. He can cook me dinner.
Then I would snuggle on the couch and watch a movie, eat my dinner & my pastry, and maybe top it all off with a glass of wine. I would end my night in my room, on my bed, with dim lighting just as I am at this very moment. I would write about my day and how thankful I am and again about all the beautiful things in my life (because there really are so many). And I would fall asleep with a smile.
And that, my friends, would be a perfect day. What is your perfect day?
But now I want to come up with a real Perfect Day. One that is realistic and would actually happen. So, here I go.
I would wake up on my own, without an alarm or an unconscious "Stop sleeping in- you have work to do!" I would open my blinds and let the sunshine in. I would smile and say out loud "This is the day that the Lord has made. I will rejoice and be glad in it!" I will pet my cat and give her a kiss.
Then I would walk to the kitchen and make sure she had food and water. Maybe even give her a treat, because it's a perfect day. Then I would make my breakfast- a bagel with cream cheese and coffee in my favorite mug.
I would sit down at the kitchen table with my breakfast and my journal. And I would write. I would write about what I'm thankful for. I would write about my future. I would write letters to my future husband, my future kids, people I miss, and people I love. I would write short stories and long poems. I would write until everything in me was written on paper and my tummy was full with coffee and bagel.
Then I would shower, do my hair and makeup, and put on a cute outfit. I would go somewhere beautiful. I would drive with my windows down and music loud. I'd drive until I found this beautiful place. And then I would take pictures. I'd take pictures until my heart was full and I felt like I had taken every picture that was worth being taken. Then I would find a pretty place to sit and I would sit and think about all of the beautiful things in my life.
Eventually I'd leave and head somewhere for lunch. I don't think I can quite decide where yet. But I would have a fabulous lunch and then I would head back home. I may stop at a bakery and grab a pastry or two for later. Or maybe a grocery store to get ingredients for making my own yummy treat.
Once I was home I would put on matching jammies. You know, the button down collared shirt and the matching pants. Then I would do a craft or two-or seven- to get out some of that creative energy that tends to build up in me. Eventually it would get dark and it would be that perfect time for dinner and a movie. I don't know what I'd have for dinner. Maybe pizza or mac-and-cheese. Maybe on this perfect day I happen to have a perfect boyfriend who happens to know how to cook. He can cook me dinner.
Then I would snuggle on the couch and watch a movie, eat my dinner & my pastry, and maybe top it all off with a glass of wine. I would end my night in my room, on my bed, with dim lighting just as I am at this very moment. I would write about my day and how thankful I am and again about all the beautiful things in my life (because there really are so many). And I would fall asleep with a smile.
And that, my friends, would be a perfect day. What is your perfect day?
November 13, 2012
Weird Things [stream of conciousness]
It's weird that I'm graduating in 6 months.
It's weird that I have no idea what I'll be doing a year from now. But I know it will be so different.
It's weird that everyone else says it was November 13th, but I know for a fact it was the night of November 12th that I laid awake sobbing the whole night.
It's weird that 3 years ago yesterday my heart broke, but 2 years ago yesterday was one of my favorite memories.
It's weird that we're growing up. That my friends are getting married and having babies.
It's weird that that's going to be me someday.
It's weird that for Thanksgiving, a holiday that usually is complete for me without tons of people, I really just want to spend it with only my mom and brother.
And no one else.
It's weird that I'm completely obsessed with the two puppies my mom is fostering. Because I'm a cat person. I guess I'm a cat person and a puppy person.
It's weird that I have so many connections to so many of you-- people I've never met. But when you're sad, it makes me sad. When you're celebrating, I want to celebrate with you. Thank you, sweet blog friends, for being in my life :)
It's weird that sometimes you hold higher expectations for others than you do for yourself.
It's weird how a smile from a stranger can make your day.
It's weird how a clean room can make my life seem so much less complicated.
It's weird, isn't it? Life is so, so weird.
But I love it.
It's weird that I have no idea what I'll be doing a year from now. But I know it will be so different.
It's weird that everyone else says it was November 13th, but I know for a fact it was the night of November 12th that I laid awake sobbing the whole night.
It's weird that 3 years ago yesterday my heart broke, but 2 years ago yesterday was one of my favorite memories.
It's weird that we're growing up. That my friends are getting married and having babies.
It's weird that that's going to be me someday.
It's weird that for Thanksgiving, a holiday that usually is complete for me without tons of people, I really just want to spend it with only my mom and brother.
And no one else.
It's weird that I'm completely obsessed with the two puppies my mom is fostering. Because I'm a cat person. I guess I'm a cat person and a puppy person.
It's weird that I have so many connections to so many of you-- people I've never met. But when you're sad, it makes me sad. When you're celebrating, I want to celebrate with you. Thank you, sweet blog friends, for being in my life :)
It's weird that sometimes you hold higher expectations for others than you do for yourself.
It's weird how a smile from a stranger can make your day.
It's weird how a clean room can make my life seem so much less complicated.
It's weird, isn't it? Life is so, so weird.
But I love it.
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